Two years ago, I was at home taking care of my mom. I thought this year would be easier, but it isn’t. I think the coming wedding of my son is making it difficult. My mom loved weddings. She would go to a wedding, and tell me every detail even down to the napkins. I want to discuss the wedding with her.
I made a comment to my husband about how I wish my mom was here. I think he doesn’t understand. He was pretty quick to change the subject. I wanted to talk about her. Sometimes I feel like I am not allowed to talk about her. Everyone is quick to say, “well, she has it better in heaven”. Of course she does, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t miss her.
Sometimes I still have nightmares about her last days, but I don’t tell anyone. Well, I suppose I am telling you now. I am writing to you now because I saw a picture of the singer who is dying of cancer. Is her name Joey? It broke my heart. I don’t want to say that these kinds of pictures shouldn’t be shared because I think we Americans try to ignore death as much as possible. We don’t want to know about it. We certainly don’t want to talk about it. We drink green shakes in order that we can put it off as long as possible. Honestly, I don’t think our avoidance of the dying and of death is healthy. We are all going to do it eventually.
Anyway, the picture brought back some memories to the front that have already been taking more space than they should. I thought, maybe I am ready to write about those last days. Maybe I should. I came here and started typing. As I have been typing I realized that my mom would be very unhappy with me if I told the world what her last days were like. I wonder what people 500 years ago did? People that saw this more often than we do. I wonder how many people go through what we went through. Do some people talk about it? I have read one or two blog posts of people who have, but I know it was worse than what they wrote.
I want to talk to my mom. I know she is in heaven, but dang it, I miss her. I should be able to say that I miss her without people telling me that she is in heaven. Don’t negate my feelings. Oh my gosh, I miss her. I just think it is funny (not haha funny) how there is their feeling that we are not allowed to talk of our loved one after they die. Funeral is over. Moving on. I want to talk about her. I need to talk about her. She was my mom, and sometimes a girl just misses her mom.